Tagged: rambling

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What a long, weird trip it’s been…

This entire year has been different, tough, stressful and filled with anxiety while at the same time had some of the best moments. It’s been weird in general, and quite the roller coaster. Last...

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“Imagine; I used to have really long blonde hair, always wearing…

“Imagine; I used to have really long blonde hair, always wearing heels, lots of make-up. I had been someone who was highly feminised and had chosen to look that way, partly because I was 6ft 3in but also I was into that aesthetic. I knew it had to be stripped away. I knew this would be an important part, not just for my work but in terms of my own development, because I would be confronting elements of myself that I didn’t want to confront (…) To see yourself displayed as unattractive, large, masculine, it’s quite tough… But I know it’s just perspective. A social conditioning that causes us to view these traits in a woman in a negative way.” — Gwendoline Christie

This is actually quite interesting to me, as a female who struggles with trying to be feminine.
For most of my life I’ve been the type of person who wears pants and an oversized t-shirt because it’s practical. I grew up with two older brothers who got me into some of the things they were into (old american cars, video games etc). At the same time, I’ve always liked feminine things, I looooved dresses when I was little (until I realized climbing trees in them wasn’t all that easy), playing dress up, I like makeup (even though I very rarely can be arsed to use it), I’ve been interested in horses since I were little and so on and so forth.

For as long as I can remember I’ve felt that the rest of  the world sees me as unattractive and masculine (and large in a sense, I’ve been called fat for as long as I’ve been in school).
And every time I try to dress girly or wear makeup out, there’s always someone commenting on how it doesn’t suit me or give me disgusted looks.
It’s even bled into my cosplays as I feel terrible whenever I try to go for a “pretty” or “girly” character. One point in case being when I wore my (not quite finished) Belldandy cosplay to a con. I kept feeling stupid, out of place and generally like I wasn’t “supposed to” be in that particular cosplay, despite my deep seated love for the character.

I don’t even know if there’s a point in there somewhere, I just found the contrast/similarities interesting.

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Soul searchin’

So, it’s been a while again since last I wrote anything useful. I’ve  just spent about a week with my head over a bucket and not able to do much of anything but I...