I’ve been on a binge and drawing for the Mass Effect RPG campaign I’m a part of and one of the other players commissioned me to do a portrait of his character Rayne as...
“Imagine; I used to have really long blonde hair, always wearing heels, lots of make-up. I had been someone who was highly feminised and had chosen to look that way, partly because I was 6ft 3in but also I was into that aesthetic. I knew it had to be stripped away. I knew this would be an important part, not just for my work but in terms of my own development, because I would be confronting elements of myself that I didn’t want to confront (…) To see yourself displayed as unattractive, large, masculine, it’s quite tough… But I know it’s just perspective. A social conditioning that causes us to view these traits in a woman in a negative way.” — Gwendoline Christie
This is actually quite interesting to me, as a female who struggles with trying to be feminine.
For most of my life I’ve been the type of person who wears pants and an oversized t-shirt because it’s practical. I grew up with two older brothers who got me into some of the things they were into (old american cars, video games etc). At the same time, I’ve always liked feminine things, I looooved dresses when I was little (until I realized climbing trees in them wasn’t all that easy), playing dress up, I like makeup (even though I very rarely can be arsed to use it), I’ve been interested in horses since I were little and so on and so forth.
For as long as I can remember I’ve felt that the rest of the world sees me as unattractive and masculine (and large in a sense, I’ve been called fat for as long as I’ve been in school).
And every time I try to dress girly or wear makeup out, there’s always someone commenting on how it doesn’t suit me or give me disgusted looks.
It’s even bled into my cosplays as I feel terrible whenever I try to go for a “pretty” or “girly” character. One point in case being when I wore my (not quite finished) Belldandy cosplay to a con. I kept feeling stupid, out of place and generally like I wasn’t “supposed to” be in that particular cosplay, despite my deep seated love for the character.
I don’t even know if there’s a point in there somewhere, I just found the contrast/similarities interesting.
I just spent about two hours with my keyboard and youtube, scribbling down parts of And End Once and For All (Mass Effect 3, Clint Mansell) from this video.
And I sort of almost, maybe, possibly can play some of it…. Considering I’ve barely touched a keyboard or a piano in oh, I don’t know, 15 years? (and I couldn’t really play it back then either, I was sort of just plonking random keys).
I’d say I did alright. *proud*
Mostly posting to show off to my friend David who put in the request for me to learn it XD
I sketched stuff yesterday…. Not sure I’ll ever do anything with these so figured I’d just post them as is.
Top one is my Cadash Inquisitor, Maeva.
Bottom one is a rework of an old sketch (that I started to paint with watercolor but never finished). Old one has my One Winged Angel as a greek goddess-ish being, reworked it to her being a viking instead.
The worst part about mental illness is that doubt that you have it. Like yeah I have a professional diagnosis and I get panic attacks and anxiety attacks for no reason and yeah I sometimes can’t even function enough to get out of bed in the morning but what if I’m just faking for attention??
Oh ye gods, that’s so spot on.
I’ve been thinking about writing about this particular subject but I’ve been hesitant for whatever reason.
I’m diagnosed with social anxiety/social phobia. I’ve been more or less functioning in society until the past few months when my body suddenly started telling me “no more” by acting as if I had a constant panic attack for nothing.
I’ve spent most of this autumn on sick leave in some capacity (I’m still not fully back at work) and it’s been one hell of a roller coaster.
As a bit of a background, last year I started the process because I felt like I was sinking back into depression, my old depression habits were coming back and I had a hard time fighting them. I got myself a psychologist and spent around four months before I got the diagnose and was sent on my merry way with “I can’t really help you any more”. I felt a bit lost at that time as I still felt I hadn’t really gotten any help in handling my emotional imbalance (not quite the right way to put it, but I don’t have a better way to explain it).
See, the thing is, I know what happens inside my head whenever I get a panic attack, I know what triggers it and I always try my best to lessen the brunt of it or avoid the trigger. But with me working in retail that doesn’t always work and in addition I can’t stop the panic attack once it starts, no matter how aware I am of what’s happening. Reasoning with myself doesn’t really help, because I always KNOW that I’m reacting without any real basis for it, and I can try to reason with my body as much as I like, it’s not gonna stop.
So, these past few months I’ve spent trying to force my body to calm down and while I’ve been doing that I seem to have lost the grip on whatever small floodgates I had built up over the year since my time at the psychologist. Small, insignificant things can set off a crying fit and I can just sit down and feel like there’s nothing left for me while at the same time I’m mentally shaking my head wondering what the hell I’m thinking as I have more awesome things to do now than I ever have.
And then there’s the crippling fear that I’m just faking it, that I’m not really sick, that somehow this is all just me being an attention whore.
Which doesn’t help. At all. Especially when I constantly have to fight and tell everyone around me that YES, I AM sick even though it doesn’t necessarily show.
I’m just a big mess of feelings going all sorts of directions right now, but in the end my body is telling me that I need to change all this somehow, I can’t keep going like this. So, yes, I’m sick. And I have to somehow allow myself to be sick and figure out a way to let other people know that while this isn’t optimal, I do need the time off to be able to change this around.
Shaking off mental illness isn’t like shaking off a fever. And it’s not as apparent as a fever.
…I’m not even sure where I’m going with this, guess I just needed to get it all out there.