Bring it on 2013

With the last post i reblogged in mind;

I’m tired of being tied down by some 17 years of hearing from different sources that I’m a good for nothing, useless bitch. I’m going to embrace being a jack of all trades, because I enjoy a fuckton of different stuff, and I’m going to stop feeling guilty about it.

At the very least I’m going to make an effort not to feel guilty about it.
It’s hard, so very hard to shake that feeling that I’m useless, I don’t stand out in anything I do.

I work slowly. That’s just how I am, it takes a while for me to get stuff done. In this time of tweeting, tumblring, facebooking and what have you, all this super fast media I keep falling behind.I mean people make money online buy getting more followers on twitter or you can buy real twitter followers for your accounts. Because it takes me a while to process things, think things through. It takes me a while to draw anything because I can’t really plan a piece, I don’t sketch very fast and I don’t always know where I’m going with it. It takes me a while to edit videos because I go by trial and error, I never really know where I’m going, I’m just feeling it out. It can take me hours to start on something, and I have a hard time finishing things.

I constantly fight with myself because I’ve spent so many years doing nothing, fretting, being afraid of doing something wrong. I have a hard time figuring out what I actually want to do.
I’m terrible at keeping in contact with friends and family. And sometimes I don’t even want to. I’m a bit of a lone wolf, but as anyone else I often crave someone to be close to, someone to share things with.
I have many acquaintances, but a very select few friends. I’m very thankful that I have them, but I wish I could spend more time with most of them.

I have so much baggage. Some of it I can handle most of the time, some of it is tearing at me. Often I cry because I’m so tired of it all, even though it’s not quite as often as it used to be. I’m tired of fighting with myself, I’m tired of being tired and I’m tired of feeling like I’ll never be good enough.

I’m too stubborn (and a tad socially inept) to see a psychologist though I probably should. I think I’m a bit too proud somewhere inside too, some little voice saying “I’m a big girl, I can handle this!”.

In the end though, all I can really do is work on all the things I want to do and somehow make my peace with that I’ll never stand out, I’ll never really be acknowledged as a master of anything. Because, at the end of the day, while I do crave the pat on the back and “you’re awesome!” sticker, I just want to do too many things. I want to sing, I want to make music, I want to learn to dance, fight and make beautiful art. I want to tell stories and I want to savor other people’s stories. I want to make videos, I want to write.

Here’s to 2013, the year I turn 28. Here’s to this new year where I’m going to work harder at doing the things I want to do, not the things that other expect or want me to do.
I’m going to apply for singing lessons. I’m going to work on cutting down on the sugar and start eating better together with the boyfriend. I’m going to go back to training at least twice a week and I’m going to work harder at getting my ankle back into proper shape. I’m going to work on getting back into proper groove with my let’s play endeavors and try to get some material for my second channel. Possibly even start doing weekly video logs or something. I’m going to put some work into my website again. I’m going to try to draw more, sketch more, just increase the quantity of art and not care whether it’s good enough or not. I’m going to continue to work on my Toph costume, and I’m going to do my best to rock it at a convention at some point. I’m going to plan out a few other costumes that I already have my eyes on.
And somewhere inbetween all that I’m going to have to try to figure out a way to endure work, find time for everything else and somehow continue to go out into Viking towards the summer.
Oh, and I need to lose my camera inhibitions if I’m ever going to be able to show the world how awesome the people I know and the things I do are.
I may still be slow and I’ll likely do my fair share of crying. Things never change as quickly as you want them to. 

So here’s to the new year, and to you internet people that I may or may not know.
I just spilled my guts for the whole world to read so now I can only try to keep to these “promises” if you can call them that.
Another year awaits, let’s get it on! 

and tags are totally appropriate

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