Soul searchin’

So, it’s been a while again since last I wrote anything useful.
I’ve  just spent about a week with my head over a bucket and not able to do much of anything but I think that now that I’ve come out of it I’m actually a bit better off.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s annoying being as weak and more or less constantly tired as I am now, but somehow it feels a bit like my body and my brain got a bit of a spring cleaning. I’ve gotten a slight distaste for a few things that I used to crave as snacks (unhealthy stuff really) which is kind of good in the long run, forces me to find healthier snacks, and as my stomach’s still pretty small from basically shrinking for three days I have to eat fairly little but more often which is also something I’ve struggled with for a long time. So this might be a nice fresh start right around spring time.
And as I couldn’t really do anything except lie or sit around my bucket I’ve gotten some thinking done. Tired and probably slightly feverish thinking, but still. One thing though that wormed its way to the top of my brain was quite important.
I talked a wee bit with one of my brothers over the facebook chat and he pointed out that he’d read my new years greeting. I got confused as I wasn’t sure what he meant and wondered if I had written anything here on Eevia that he might’ve read so I went back and re-read my new years entry. I have completely lost touch with everything I had mentioned in that post that I wanted to do and felt. Right now I can’t even recall what kind of direction I was going then!
So the other day I sat back down after coming home from work and did a bit of soul searching. There are SO many things I want to learn and I’m always stressing that I’m not good enough, I don’t know enough, I don’t have time enough etc. So I thought about it and I put together a list of the things that, at the core level, are the things I want to learn and want to do. All things considered the list is pretty short, it’s basically only nine points;

  1. Sing – I want to be able to sing more freely and within this is the want to have more control over my voice so I can use a wider range of it. I’ve realized throughout my Let’s Play adventures that my voice is very flat and sometimes even quite monotone and I want to change this, I want to add depth and drama to my voice and have it carry.
  2. Make Comics/draw – I want to be able to have a fuid enough style to be able to draw comics and possibly to some extent animate. My drawing style is silly complex and mostly trial and error making it hard for me to consistently draw the same character and simplify enough to draw comics and animate things. As such I want to develop my art until such a point that I can fairly easily just get a comic strip done when inspiration strikes without having to struggle more with the art itself.
  3. Let’s Play/game/youtube – I want to keep up my Let’s Play adventures because it’s nice to share all the awesome things that I get from gaming and I want to keep playing games in general. I would also like to go more into video logs and similar because it’s somehow therapeutic to just sit around and talk nonsense to the camera. I have a few doubts about vlogs as I’m still having trouble shaking the unease I have about what others think about my looks etc.
  4. Play the flute/learn guitar or piano – I want to keep music in my life because it is such a brilliant thing to be doing. I haven’t touched my flute for years and years by this point. I do have a nice new batch of sheet music for my flute needs but it would be nice to be able to play something that would allow me to sing simultaneously so I do have cravings for learning to play either the guitar or go back and learn piano properly. I highly doubt that I’ll get to doing much of anything with this point in the list, but I’m keeping it on the list because it’s something that I do want eventually even if I’m not likely to do it right now.
  5. Be more knowledgeable about books – I’ve always loved reading but in later years I haven’t done nearly enough of it (a lot of that due to not feeling like I have the time). Now this is even more pressing as I work as a book manager so I need to start taking the time to read. It’s a very “easy” point as opposed to the others on the list, but it’s all about taking the time for it.
  6. Paint miniatures – painting miniatures has always been sort of a zen for me, it’s incredibly relaxing. These days this ties into work as well as I’m holding a painting course every thursday at work. But I could still need to dedicate more time to it as I’m horribly rusty. And I would love to get back into playing every now and again as well, it’s been far too long.
  7. Blog – this one’s a bit… I don’t know, odd, I suppose. But I would like to get into the habit of blogging more frequently. I’ve fallen into the “I don’t have anything useful to say anyway” rut and I want to get out because among all the things I do I’m sure that there’s some interesting things for the people out there. So I would like to start putting down all the information that goes through me on a daily basis somewhere. It’d obviously be filtered through my view of things, but I’ve been told on a few occasions that apparently I sometimes look at things differently so who knows, it might be useful.
  8. Cosplay – I do want to at some point build props, armor and generally make costumes. However, as it stands my time, space and funds are quite limited but even so I do want to keep this on the list. I’ve always loved dressing up and taking photos so cosplay would be a quite natural step in that same direction.
  9. Training – I want to try to keep up a decent training regime because it has helped a LOT with my back among other things. And hell, I want to cosplay so I need to keep my body in a decent shape for that.

All in all I think what it all boils down to is I want to learn to make myself heard and/or do my own thing (and theatratical stuff!), keep on playing games, drawing and just sharing it all. Which when put like this sounds really easy but is everything but easy. I’m still pretty much stuck in depression habits and old tirades from my teenage days. Mostly it’s that I have a huge obstacle to overcome just to get started with things, I’m stuck in negative thought patterns (especially when it comes to my looks and personality) and I’m very much struggling with getting around the whole “if at first you fail, never do it again” and “don’t let anyone see you fail” that I’ve been raised into (thanks for nothing dad).
Doesn’t really help that some days I just feel so old and like I’m getting too old to ever get any good with things.

Still, I’m slowly, ever so slowly working my way forwards. It shouldn’t really be too hard to actually work on the points listed above as I should be able to do a lot of it on a daily basis even with work and whatever other tasks I have. So, I’m going to try to take it one step at a time and beat myself back into something of a life that I actually want. Because right now, I have everything I really need to get where I want, I’m just holding myself back with old habits and thoughts.
It’s hard, but hey, I’m starting to realize that that’s what life’s all about. Nothing ever comes easy and that’s just how it’s supposed to be.

So for now, I’m going to leave this list here, out in the open for everyone to see and for myself to be able to look back on and remind myself of my resolve. And, hopefully, get to working on it all. =)

You may also like...

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *