So, it’s almost been a month into the new year and in just three days I’ll be turning a year older. Time really flies by no matter what you do.
I have never really done the whole new years resolutions thing, I never saw much point in it and the people I knew who did do it never managed to keep to their resolutions. This year however I decided would be different. This year I’m going to do something that I have been thinking about for years but never acted on. This year I’m taking back my life.
Most of my life I’ve felt like a failure, I’ve felt stupid, I’ve felt useless, and in later years I’ve constantly been scared of people. I’m sick and tired of feeling all these things, I’m tired of constantly being scared of doing something wrong, of not being good enough, of always trying to please everybody else
In trying to be “perfect” and pleasing everyone around me, I’ve lost sight of myself and my own needs and wants. For example, if someone asked me what I want to do with my life right now, I’d have a thousand answers yet still be speechless. Because what I want to do doesn’t necessarily fit into the norm and doesn’t necessarily bring in money and as such they’re somehow an invalid answer. I have tons of things I want to do, I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to act, I want to make costumes, I want to do makeup, I want to draw more, I want to make props, I want to fiddle with webdesign. But I can’t make a living out of any of these at the moment, and as such I feel like a failure because it is expected of me to have a job. Or at least get a “real” education because apparently the arts is too harsh a field for me. That’s what I’ve always been told anyway.
Then, just after christmas I stumbled upon this clip from TED.
And something clicked for me. It’s about time that I accept myself and drag my stubborn head out of the rut I’ve been in for almost all of my life. It’s about time I faced my demons and started taking care of myself instead of trying to please everyone else. I mean, I’ve spent the last 15-20 years trying to please the people around me and that got me naught but a weak self confidence and doubts.
Thus, I dusted off this little project that has been swimming around in the dark corners of my mind for years. I’ve had many names for it but I think that for now, Project Phoenix will do nicely.
This year, I’m going to try my hardest at facing my demons and conquering them. I’m going to work on drawing without caring if people like it or not, I’m going to try my hardest at being social and stop retreating into my shell as soon as I’m flustered and I’m going to try to fill my days with stuff until I find a job instead of just staring at the computer screen half the day. Hopefully this will mean Eevia will get a bit busier as well. =)
I have a few more things in mind to talk about, but I’ll save those for a future entry and leave you with my first three creative efforts for this year. So far so good!