I was thinking about my last visit to the psychologist the other night, as you do when you’re trying to fall asleep and your brain just keeps spinning stuff around, and it hit me...
“Imagine; I used to have really long blonde hair, always wearing heels, lots of make-up. I had been someone who was highly feminised and had chosen to look that way, partly because I was 6ft 3in but also I was into that aesthetic. I knew it had to be stripped away. I knew this would be an important part, not just for my work but in terms of my own development, because I would be confronting elements of myself that I didn’t want to confront (…) To see yourself displayed as unattractive, large, masculine, it’s quite tough… But I know it’s just perspective. A social conditioning that causes us to view these traits in a woman in a negative way.” — Gwendoline Christie
This is actually quite interesting to me, as a female who struggles with trying to be feminine.
For most of my life I’ve been the type of person who wears pants and an oversized t-shirt because it’s practical. I grew up with two older brothers who got me into some of the things they were into (old american cars, video games etc). At the same time, I’ve always liked feminine things, I looooved dresses when I was little (until I realized climbing trees in them wasn’t all that easy), playing dress up, I like makeup (even though I very rarely can be arsed to use it), I’ve been interested in horses since I were little and so on and so forth.
For as long as I can remember I’ve felt that the rest of the world sees me as unattractive and masculine (and large in a sense, I’ve been called fat for as long as I’ve been in school).
And every time I try to dress girly or wear makeup out, there’s always someone commenting on how it doesn’t suit me or give me disgusted looks.
It’s even bled into my cosplays as I feel terrible whenever I try to go for a “pretty” or “girly” character. One point in case being when I wore my (not quite finished) Belldandy cosplay to a con. I kept feeling stupid, out of place and generally like I wasn’t “supposed to” be in that particular cosplay, despite my deep seated love for the character.
I don’t even know if there’s a point in there somewhere, I just found the contrast/similarities interesting.
I just spent about two hours with my keyboard and youtube, scribbling down parts of And End Once and For All (Mass Effect 3, Clint Mansell) from this video.
And I sort of almost, maybe, possibly can play some of it…. Considering I’ve barely touched a keyboard or a piano in oh, I don’t know, 15 years? (and I couldn’t really play it back then either, I was sort of just plonking random keys).
I’d say I did alright. *proud*
Mostly posting to show off to my friend David who put in the request for me to learn it XD
I sketched stuff yesterday…. Not sure I’ll ever do anything with these so figured I’d just post them as is.
Top one is my Cadash Inquisitor, Maeva.
Bottom one is a rework of an old sketch (that I started to paint with watercolor but never finished). Old one has my One Winged Angel as a greek goddess-ish being, reworked it to her being a viking instead.